Death Note Characters, Interviewed
by lolzy33
Summary: A crazy host, armed with legions of rabid fangirls, attempts to interview the characters of Death Note. Will the responses they recieve from their beloved anime friends crush their dreams and will to live?
1. L's Interview

**A/N Fangirls…interviewing the characters of Death Note. We're in trouble now…**

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><p>This was the first time L had ever appeared on TV before. He wasn't really nervous, but he couldn't help feeling a bit paranoid. He knew that nothing could happen to him though, after all, you can't kill a person who's already dead. He was having a jolly good time in detective heaven, but he couldn't help but notice a growing number of fangirls for himself. So many of them wanting to get a chance to meet him that he figured, oh what the heck, might as well humor them and give them an interview. So here he was. On TV. Being interviewed by fangirls.<p>

He hunched out onto the stage, crouching into his usual position on one of the many couches. This was met by many 'Awwwsss!" throughout. L rolled his eyes.

"Let's get this over with." He mumbled.

"Alright, with us today is everyone's favorite sugar loving detective, L Lawliet!" A cheerful host suddenly appeared on the couch opposite L. She was met with deafening applause throughout.

"So dear," the sunny host began, "what's your name?"

"But you just said-"

"And there you have it folks, his real name! Let's give him a round of applause!" After a round of applause, The host held up one hand to silence the audience, and then turned to L, leaning forward and looking him in the eye.

"So, L, tell us a bit about yourself. What's your past like? Let me guess, your parents were murdered in front of your eyes and that's how you became the lonely, emotionless person we know today!" The host's eyes were swimming with tears, several audience members reached underneath their chairs for their complimentary tissue boxes.

"Well actually, I never knew my parents. I don't miss them, so it hasn't affected me, or, as you like to put it, turned me into a 'lonely, emotionless, person'." L deadpanned.

The host waved a hand, as if motioning away L's words. "Pshh, you're just being shy. It's okay, it's understandable. Your past is a tough subject. But don't worry; you can open up to me. Trust us." She tittered.

L sighed. This was going to be a long interview. It was already lunchtime, and he was starving. His stomach growled with hunger. The all-knowing host mumbled something into a walky talky in her hand, and in seconds, a cart of strawberries was wheeled out. "There ya go!" She chirped.

L facepalmed. "You do realize that I eat things other than strawberries and sweets, right?" His words were swiftly silenced when he noticed the audience members exchange odd looks, kind of like when a child says something nonsensical, and the adults swap smug gazes. "Thank you." Resigning himself to his fate, L hastily ate a couple of strawberries, and then sat back down on the couch.

"SOOO KAWAII!" One audience member jumped onto the stage, but was soon escorted away by security.

"Moving on, please." _I can handle this, I am –no, was- the world's greatest detective. Just don't think about the stupidity of all this, think of lollipops…yeah, lollipops…_L was trying his best to speed up the interview. He hadn't realized he would be subjected to ignorance such as this. He could practically feel his brain cells deteriorating. The host complied with L's wishes, and asked him the next question.

"Did your sexual tension with Light Yagami ever reach a breaking point?" The whole audience roared with approval, and the host's eyes flashed with victory.

"Yes, of course, 'cause being murdered is soo sexy…" L muttered sarcastically. He was still rather bitter about the whole 'being killed by Kira' thing.

"I know right?" The host exclaimed, oblivious to the obvious sarcasm in L's tone of voice. "I wish someone would murder me…it would be so romantic…" the whole room sighed in unison.

"When Misa kissed you and you said you could fall for her – you fell in love with her didn't you?" A group of MisaxL fangirls were doing the wave in the corner, while another group of Yaoi fangirls jumped up, yelling their disapproval.

"No. I was testing her reaction to see if there was a possibility of tricking her into falling in love with me, and betraying Light. I was 99% sure it wouldn't work, which it didn't, but it was still worth a shot." L shrugged.

"Did you consider Mello, Matt, and Near family?" Another audience member shrieked.

"Well, I've only ever visited one of them, so no; I'm not close enough to them to consider them family." L dashed the dreams of fangirls worldwide against the rocky shores of reality.

The host bravely ventured on. "Uhh…but what about Matsuda? The only reason you called him an idiot was because you wanted to disguise the hidden feelings you had deep in your heart for him!" The audience members took heart with the familiar words of their leader. "Yeah!" They cried.

L sighed. Again. "No. I called Matsuda an idiot because he _is _an idiot."

"I see." The host said with mock belief.

L decided to answer the remaining questions in one fell swoop. "I have never had any romantic relationships with anyone, I don't have a foot fetish, I do not resemble a panda bear, and my hair is naturally like this, I'm very hygienic; I just wear different pairs of the same styles of clothing, and no, I will not be accepting any marriage proposals or requests to become your boyfriend."

The entire room deflated in defeat. The host had fallen off her chair, and was now gripping one of the chair legs, desperately trying to pull herself up. Glancing at L, who was looking on all of these events with an amused, perverted grin, she managed to spit out, "B-but…you're a virgin, right? Please tell me we're right about that!" The audience members perked up from their positions on the floor, awaiting L's life changing response.

"Maybe I am, maybe I'm not." And with that, L took to the skies, flying back to detective heaven.

"NOOOOO!" The host watched L's slowly disappearing form, her hand outstretched towards the gaping hole in the ceiling. Hastily smoothing her frazzled hair, she turned to the cameras with a cheesy grin. "Stay tuned for next week's interview!" And with a nervous laugh, she vanished behind the curtains.

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><p><strong>AN I know it wasn't funny, and it was really lame, please don't kill me…-hides behind slice of cake- I would really appreciate any reviews, though! I'm thinking of continuing this…if you want this continued, please let me know which character you want to be interviewed next, or you don't have to, or…well, whatever you want to do! :) **


	2. Misa's Interview

**A/N Misa's interviewed by fangirls. Will the jealous fans love her or hate her?**

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><p>She would have been interviewed first, she never was one to neglect fans when she was living and she certainly wasn't going to start now that she was dead, but unfortunately a certain perverted detective had beaten her to it. But now it was her turn, and here she was. She had flown all the way from MU, and would have been quite tired from the long journey, except for the fact that she had been spending thousands of years doing nothing, so naturally she had an unnatural amount of energy stored up. Deciding that she had waited behind the curtains long enough, she burst out onto the stage, smiling and waving at the audience and cameras she could barely see thanks to the bright studio lights. Doing a corny little dance when the corny little music started playing, she sat down on the chair opposite the host, still smiling and waving.<p>

"It's great to be here! Misa-Misa loves each and every one of her fans!" Misa called out. She was met with a chorus of 'Boo!' and 'Leave them alone!' from a group of Yaoi fans. The host shushed the audience, turned to Misa, and gave her a warm smile.

"So, let's begin. First question: Does Light abuse you, and then when you have nowhere else to turn to you run to L and become his secret lover?"

Misa's eyes widened in horror. She gasped, placing both her hands over her mouth in a sign of shock in a very dramatic, clichéd way. "How dare you talk about my boyfriend like that! For your information he loves me! And pairing me up with that pervert? That's unthinkable! Bleh." Misa leapt right out of her chair, and stormed off.

"No wait, Misa, come back! Please?" The host put on her best puppy dog face.

Misa sighed. "Fine." She sat back down in her chair, crossed her arms and legs, and glared at the host, who when the instant Misa had returned had shed her puppy dog face.

"So…Misa…how do you feel about Mello being your brother?"

"What? Who's Mello?" Misa tilted her head, curiosity clearly written on her face.

The host shook her head, turned to the crowd, and whispered, "She's clearly in denial…poor girl."

"Misa, you're an annoying, stupid slut! I hate you!" An angry fan suddenly yelled out from somewhere in the crowd.

"I'm smarter than you'll ever be!" Misa stuck out her tongue to the angry fan. The host did notice Misa trying extra hard to cover up her barely clothed body after that though. However, the host didn't want Misa to storm out in the middle of the interview again, so she quickly motioned for a stagehand to bring out something to her to compensate.

"…a bottle of wine?" The stagehand had handed Misa a big bottle of wine. Misa looked up. "What is giving me this supposed to mean?"

"Well we all know you're a bit of an alcoholic…" The host shrugged.

"Hmph. Am not." Misa looked incensed at the suggestion, but everyone couldn't help but notice her 'discreetly' turn around to stash the wine in her purse. She placed the purse on her lap, wrapping her arms around it and hugging it protectively to her chest.

"Are you lesbian for Rem?" The host abruptly asked.

"OMGWTFNO!" Misa screeched. "This is the stupidest interview I've ever been to! It's totally embarrassing!" She whined. She got up, ready to take to the skies, for real this time.

"But Misa-Misa! You're so pretty! I'm like your biggest fan!" The host cried out.

"No. No more cameras. This interview is over." Misa shielded her face with her hands and then zoomed off.

"Wahh, this isn't working!" The host sobbed uncontrollably for about 5 seconds, but realizing she was still on the air, quickly turned her mascara streaked face to the camera. "T-tune in next time, folks!" She hiccupped. The only happy people in the building appeared to be the Misa haters.

"Yayy, Misa's just as much of a bitch as we thought she was!" They hurriedly cut off their cheer when the host (An avid Misa-Misa fan ever since the 7th issue of Sakuraya magazine) sent a smudged glare their way. With another hiccupped sob, the host disappeared behind the curtain.

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><p><strong>AN Yeahhh that really sucked. Sorry, I know, L's interview was much better. (And funnier, in my opinion. I had almost no inspiration or ideas for this one at all) But, hopefully the next interview will be much better. I'd love a review. I'll give you a cookie~ -puppy dog face- xD If you have any ideas, suggestions, or possible questions to be asked in the upcoming interviews, lemme know! If you also have any ideas on how to make this chapter better, it would be appreciated as well. The next person to be interviewed will be either Matsuda or Light. ^^**


	3. Light's Interview

**A/N Sorry for taking so long to update! :( Disclaimer: Don't own anything. -_- **

Third. Third to be interviewed. What is this world coming to? I, the god of the new world, being demoted to third place? This will never do.

Light Yagami confidently strolled out onto the stage, waving casually and putting on his best 'down-to-earth' smile. He ignored the shades that the audience members broke out when the studio lights bounced off of his shiny hair and took a seat across from the host. He spoke up when the applause finally died down.

"It's so great to be here. Thank you for having me." He nodded pleasantly to the host, who had sat up in her chair and was currently hissing at him.

"Poor, poor, Misa…being manipulated by the likes of you! Let me at 'em, let me at 'em!" The host leaped out of her chair, knocked an unsuspecting Light to the floor, and proceeded to beat the life out of him. "That's. For. Being. A. Jerk." The wild host punctuated each word with a punch to Light's face, ignoring the cries of horror and encouragement coming from the audience. Thankfully (or not so thankfully, I suppose it all depends) one of the security guards backstage had noticed all of the commotion, and dragged the kicking and screaming host away. The host popped out behind the curtain she had been dragged away behind seconds later, her wispy hair patted back down on her head and an empty water bottle in her hand, which was being squeezed very tightly at the moment. She plopped down onto the cushioned seat, taking deep breathes and pouring as much sunshine and happiness into her smile as humanely possible. "So…where were we?" The host turned to Light, who was on his seat again, holding a designer handkerchief to his swollen eye.

"Let's just get this damn thing over with." He growled, glaring at all of his fangirls, who whimpered at the state he was in.

"Yes, yes, of course…" The host gave one last crushing squeeze to the battered water bottle in her hand, before giving a slight cough and reaching for the pad of paper with all of the questions for Light written down in it. "Ahem. Question number 1: Why are you so obsessed with shiny hair and potato chips?"

"What makes you think I have an obsession with shiny hair?" Light questioned, not turning around to face the host as he was too busy applying hairspray to his delectable golden brown locks of perfection.

The host rolled her eyes. "No reason." The sound of squealing fangirls and normal people losing their eyesight echoed in the background.

Light stood up. "I also don't know why you would think that I have an obsession with potato chips. If I did, do you think I'd have _this _hot bod?" Light ripped the designer shirt off of his body, exposing his muscular abs for all to see. He walked up and down the stage, posing for the cameras. Numerous fangirls fainted from fanservice overload. The host bonked Light on the head with a water bottle.

"Ahem. Next question. Why are you so crazy?"

Light let out an unmanly giggle before sitting back down in his chair. "I don't know what you're talking about." He feigned innocence. He _was _starting to shift uncomfortably under the perverted stares of his fangirls though. He vainly tried to cover up his half naked body with the shirt that he had just ripped into shreds.

"Serves you right, you manwhore." The host muttered.

"Hmm? What was that?" Light sneered at the host, mocking her even though he had heard her very clearly.

"Next. Flippin'. Question. "The host flipped through the pages on her notebook, getting more and more annoyed with the fact that she couldn't find the next question that she was sure she had written down earlier. Exasperated, she finally threw the notebook down and decided to just wing it. "WHY THE HECK DID YOU PUT POOR MISA THROUGH ALL THAT YOU DID, YOU SICK FREAK? ALL SHE WANTED WAS YOUR LOVE!"

Light sighed. "I think we can all agree that Misa's an annoying slut, right?" He chuckled, looking around at the audience for their agreement. The audience suddenly divided. The people in the first section held up signs that read, '_Misa-Misa is amazing!' _or, _'We love you Misa-Misa!' _The people in the second section held up signs that read, '_Light is the god of the new world!' _or, _Light, the potato chip eater with a hot bod!' _Light facepalmed. Things were _not _going according to plan. He heard the sound of a canon being fired in the distance, and something heavy land in his lap. He looked down, a stack of pictures and doujinshi meeting his surprise turned to disgust expression.

"Kyahahaha~ Take LxLight Yaoi, motherfucker!" The host, leader of the Misa-Misa army, was steadily shooting out photo shopped pictures of Light and his insomniac enemy in various states of undress from a canon.

Light's face grew red. (From anger, embarrassment, or simply because he thought it was hot, the world will never know.) "N-no! This is all fake! My loyal followers, tell me you don't believe in any of this!" He turned frantically to the audience members, but they were too busy fighting it out to pay him any attention. He stomped his feet childishly. "Your god orders you to stop fighting!" His screams were drowned out by the _boom _of the canon. "You know what? You can all just suck it. God of the new world is out, peace!" He made a quick peace sign before taking to the skies, LxLight pictures and doujinshi in hand.

"We did it!" The host and her army of Misa-Misa followers cheered, while those who were rooting for Light cried depressingly. "Hmm, what is it?" One of the people backstage had motioned her over, and started to whisper something in her ear. "Oh." The host turned to the camera, staring blankly and nearly giving the poor cameraman (We'll call him Jerry) a heart attack. "Hehehe, apparently you're supposed to be unbiased as a host, especially when you're interviewing people you don't like. Oopsies, my bad! So, er…stay tuned for next week's interview! Bye!" And then the curtains closed on the host, and Jerry turned off the camera.

**A/N O_O This wasn't supposed to be so crackish, but it turned out very, very crackish, as you can see. X3 Hopefully the next interviewee will be a tad more IC. Please reviewwww~ (Btw, next interviewee is gonna be Watari. xP) I hope you guys found this slightly funny….**


	4. Watari's Interview

"Listen, your show is seriously lacking. Ratings are low, and I always have to repair the entire damaged room after every interview, which takes a lot of money out of our already tight budget. I think what you're lacking is…a certain sense of sophistication."

"What do you mean I'm lacking 'a certain sense of sophistication?" The host screeched at her manager, who in reply just swallowed another aspirin and turned away from her in his black leather spinny chair.

"Just learn to control yourself. You always end up ruining things! Just try to stay calm for this one interview at least, okay?" The manager said, shooing the host out of his room. "Oh yeah, and don't forget to read that sign that I posted on your studio door, okay?" The host just ignored her manager, huffed and then stormed out, slamming the door shut. Her heels clicked furiously against the hard floor as she brisk walked towards her studio, her fists tightly clenched.

"I'll show _him _sophistication…"

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><p>3 weeks later…<p>

Watari sat down in his seat, his fedora pulled down low so as to cover his face. He had gone with the black trench coat look, so as to further protect his identity. He didn't know why on earth he had even agreed to being interviewed. Facing him was a plush crimson chair turned away from him. Suddenly the chair got spun around, and he was faced with the host, smoking a bubble pipe and clothed in a set of velvety blue robes. "Welcome." She greeted calmly, the crackle of a blazing fire burning behind her. She reached for an old, worn book on the table beside her and flipped the pages yellowed with age to the exact spot she was looking for. "Shall we begin the interview?"

Watari just nodded, a little stunned at what was going on. From what L had told him, the host was a crazy, insane, mental person who should be carted away to the funny farm. This pristine image of sophistication did _not _fit that description at all.

"I have noticed that your young charge has a particular affinity for sweets. May I ask why that is?" The host straightened up her back in the chair, crossing her legs properly.

"Er…he's always enjoyed them, so, um, that's all he eats now?" Watari stumbled over his words. Now that he realized it, he really didn't know all that much about L in the first place. He simply took care of the boy, acting as a father figure occasionally, but L, for the most part, had always been intelligent enough to take care of himself.

"I see." The host nodded. "Do you have any idea _why _exactly L came to the orphanage in the first place?"

"Um…because he's an orphan, and that's where orphans go when they're…orphaned…'cause orphans go to the…orphanage…yeah…" Watari tugged at his collar uncomfortably. This didn't feel like an interview at all! It felt more like an interrogation. _Why didn't they just ask L all of these questions? _

"Uh huh…" The host smirked smugly before moving on to the next question. "Now back to the topic of sugar. What is the most amount of sweets that L has consumed in one sitting? Did he get a sugar rush afterwards?"

"Oh dear God…" Watari shuddered as a horrifying flashback took over his mind. _"Hahahaha, look at meeeee, I'm a pretty little fairy named Sophia! Fly my little monkeys, flyyyyy~" _Watari slapped himself out of his flashback.

"Never mind." The host quickly said, her curiosity about L on a sugar rush thoroughly quenched for life. "Does L ever sleep?"

"Yes, usually for about a month in the winter." Watari was glad to finally be asked a question that he could answer with confidence. "He's like a hibernating bear…" He mumbled.

"Have you realized that all of these questions are about L?" The host asked with a twinkle in her eye.

Watari sighed. "How could I _not_ have realized that? I guess minor characters really _aren't _remembered at all…"

"Does that piss you off?" The host suddenly asked, shedding her sophisticated persona momentarily.

"Erm, I'm afraid that I don't know what 'piss off' means…" Never had Watari felt more like an old person. "Is it some newfangled slang?" _When will this be over? _He wondered.

The host was about to epically facepalm when she realized herself and quickly reverted back to her sophisticated persona. "Hmm, I can't say that I know what it means either. A person such as myself would never engage in such foul language." She nodded, satisfied with her subtle save. "Well, one last question for you, Mr. Watari, and then the interview will be over."

Watari sighed with relief. _Finally! _"Alright."

"How old are you?"

_…thought too soon. _"That information is classified."

"Alright then. It was a pleasure interviewing you, Mr. Watari." The host smiled pleasantly, getting up to shake Watari's hand.

"Like wise." Watari returned the gesture, and then flew off to join L in heaven. The host collapsed back onto her chair, and then turned towards Jerry the cameraman to close off the show.

"Uh…Jerry?" The host looked all around her, seeing no one. No audience and no Jerry. She noticed a piece of paper taped to the back of the studio door and got up to go investigate. Upon closer examination, the sign read: _Interview cancelled, will be rescheduled next week. _"…shit."

**A/N I hope you all thought that this was funny and good and everything. :D Next interview will hopefully be a little bit crazier. Please read and review. Thanks! **


	5. Near's Interview

**A/N OMK you guys I am **_**so**_** sorry for taking so long to update! I'm just so busy! All the freaking time! T_T Please tell me you haven't given up on me yet? –crickets chirping- I can't ever give any promises on updates, but it would mean a lot to me if you guys still reviewed and faved/story alerted. Thank you.**

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><p>The host looked up and saw a…sheep.<p>

"Hello." said the sheep, taking the seat opposite from the host.

"Umm…that seat is sorta reserved for Near...so could you, uh, get out of it and like, leave?" A sense of paranoia was beginning to wash over the host. She didn't think scientists would have invented a way for animals to talk and stand up for at least another few hundred years.

The sheep sighed. "_I'm _Near, not a sheep. Common misunderstanding though, I guess."

The host turned to Near (A.K.A. 'The sheep'), stunned. "H-how did you know what I was thinking?-"

"Because I know all." Near grinned, his face an odd mixture between creepy childish delight and creepy rapist.

"O-oh okay then…um, I guess I'll just start the interview then…" The host shook herself out of her horrified stare at Near's terrifying smile.

Near instantly reverted back to his poker face and nodded. "Alright."

"Mmkay, first question. Are you in love with your rival, Mello?"

Near twirled a strand of his hair in thought. "Hmm…no, I don't think so."

"….." The host sighed, pulling out an obviously photoshopped picture of Mello and Near smooching. "Then explain _this!_" She exclaimed, holding the picture up for all to see. _Now he'll __**have**__ to give me a non-boring response!_ The host grinned triumphantly at Near, waiting for his response.

Near's eyes scanned the picture dully. He looked down, fingering the cuff of his sleeves. "That picture has obviously been tampered with. The jagged edges, different backgrounds, and drastic, inconsistent change of lighting attest to that. It's over, you've lost the game."

The host huffed. "Whatever. But what about you and L, huh? You two love each other, don't you? You can't possibly deny the fact that every year on your birthday, L would send you a toy robot!" _Okay, so maybe it's not a fact and I just made it up, but who cares? _

"True, I can't deny that."

_Wha- L and Near really __**are**__ in lov-_

"L would send me a toy robot every year on my birthday. It's true. I don't see any reason to deny it."

…_Oh. That's what he was talking about. _"But that must mean that L cares for you! He loves you enough to remember your birthday and get you a present!" The host cried. All of the shota fans shrieked with excitement.

"If an adult giving a child a present for his birthday supposedly hints at a relationship that isn't platonic in this day and age, then there would be a huge crisis on our hands." Near smirked slightly.

"But it would be a gorgeous crisis of…gorgeousness!" One of the shota fans yelled, her cry being echoed by all of the other pedophiliac fangirls around her.

Near rolled his eyes and sighed. "This no longer amuses me. Any other questions that you would like to ask?"

"I, uh, I…" The host trailed off, desperately racking her brain for more questions to ask. Her eyes widened as she looked behind Near. "Uhh…what the hell are your SPK members wearing and what are they doing here?"

Near glanced back briefly at the spot that the audience and the host were gaping at. He shrugged. "Dunno."

Behind him were Gevanni, Rester, and Halle. Gevanni was wearing and old fashioned tuxedo with a tail coat and gloves. Rester was wearing a chef's outfit with a long apron and goggles hanging around his neck. Halle was wearing an incredibly frilly, pink dress, her hair curled and done up into pigtails, with an almost-as-frilly-as-the-dress headband resting atop her head.

Halle gave out an excited squeak and ran to glomp Near. "NEARRRRRR~" She squealed, spinning him around and around the room.

"Hello Halle, what a pleasant surprise." Near said, looking very irritated.

"Aww, Near, I told you to call me Hallie." Halle pouted, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Fine, _Hallie_." Near said, not even looking at Halle as he handed her the handkerchief from his shirt pocket.

Halle sniffled and nodded, taking the handkerchief and dabbing her eyes with it. "Oh dear, that wasn't very lady like of me!" She groaned, running out of the room in a fit of embarrassment.

Near motioned Gevanni over. "Come here, Gevanni." Gevanni bowed slightly, his hand pressed respectfully over his heart as he walked over to Near. "I'm bored. Get me out of here, at once."

The corners of Gevanni's mouth lifted into a smug smirk. "But sir, interviews are so much _fun_. Shouldn't you enjoy them while you're still _young?_" Gevanni inquired 'politely,' putting extra emphasis on the 'young.'

Near reached up and slapped Gevanni on the face. "This is an order. We're leaving. _Now._"

Gevanni looked shocked for a few seconds but his old complacent grin soon reappeared. He got down on one knee and bowed his dark head. "Yes, my young lord." He scooped up Near into his arms and then took off, giving Rester 'the look' before disappearing into the night.

"Well, guess that's my cue." Rester leaned against the wall, smoking a cigarette. He took out a smoke bomb. "You didn't see anything! All you need to remember is this: Art is explosions!" He yelled, throwing the smoke bomb onto the stage and then running off as well.

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><p>The host got up, coughing uncontrollably. "T-this has been an interview with <em>coughcough<em> Near. _coughcough_ Stay tuned for more interviews-" The host finally just collapsed to the ground, rolling around and coughing on the ground along with the audience members. Jerry tried to keep the shaking camera steady, but all he managed was to turn off the camera before falling to the ground in a fit of coughs as well.

Next Interviewee: Beyond Birthday!

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><p><strong>AN I hope that was funny, amusing, interesting, whatever. Random Kuroshitsuji(Black Butler)/ Death Note semi crossover FTW! XD I honestly was really stumped with this interview. I couldn't think of anything at first, but then the crack idea of having Gevanni as Sebastian, Halle as Lizzie, and Rester as Baldroy came to me. If you've never heard of Kuroshitsuji, GO CHECK IT OUT. :D If you don't feel like checking out Kuro, and the semi crossover bored you, then just think of Gevanni in a tuxedo, that should make things better. ;) Haha, well, please review! And if there are any suggestions for what you'd like to happen in the next interview, please don't hesitate to let me know! : )**


	6. Beyond's Interview

**A/N This partly stemmed from an inside-ish joke, some random ideas, roleplay chat, etc., etc. and then things just got weird. O_O xD But then again, all of the chapters so far have been weird. Very weird. xP Sorry for taking so long to update! I can't promise my updates will come quicker though, so please just put this story on your story alerts!^^**

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><p>Beyond squinted as he stepped onto the lighted stage. He stared critically at his overly pale skin before shrugging and striding over to one of the couches, sprawling his lanky limbs over his seat, his legs swung over the arm of the couch and his head resting on the other arm. He had been forced to come here all the way from hell (heaven's overrated), so he hoped this interview thing would be worth it. <em>Probably won't be, but whatever, I'm bored.<em>

The host suddenly appeared from behind the couch, an extremely happy look on her face. Her smile was so bright, and her eyes so wide, that it completely disfigured her face, making her look like a crazed druggie/fangirl. She got up into B's face, an even bigger grin stretching across her face.

"Uh…can I help you?" B raised an eyebrow.

"…I want your babies." The host said slowly.

"…What the hell?" B sat up straight, pulling his legs towards himself and then kicking the host away, back into her seat.

The host's so-happy-it's-unhappy expression faded at being rejected, but nevertheless she pulled out her sheet of questions to ask Beyond. "Why do you look like L?"

B glared at the host. "It's called a disguise, dumbass." He didn't feel like elaborating further, so he simply twisted around on the couch, his hair scraping the floor as he threw his legs over the top of the couch, upside down.

The host ignored the insult to her 'intelligence' and went on to the next question. "Do you think L is smexy?"

"Were these questions written by some teenaged fangirl obsessed with Yaoi?" B paused, an amused smirk on his face.

"Just answer the question." The host looked torn between raping or twisting B's head off.

B changed his position on the couch yet again, this time sitting up like a normal person, a pillow clutched to his chest. He tilted his head to the side in thought before shrugging. "I've never really thought of things like that before. I was sort of busy with, you know, living my life."

The host nodded, satisfied with his answer. "What's with the eyes?" She asked, suddenly stopping and staring him in the eyes after having asked the question.

"…I have no idea what you mean by that. They're just eyes. You know, these things on my face that I use to see stuff." He deadpanned.

"Oh." The host said, staring into B's perfectly normal colored eyes. Because even if all of the fan art depicts B with red eyes, the truth is, you _can't_ actually tell when a person has the shinigami eyes. The red eyes are just their artistic license. "Um…Why do you like jam?" She finally asked.

"Why wouldn't I like jam?" B countered.

"True. Uh, the audience wants…you to…drag L from detective heaven and kiss him for 10 minutes." The host muttered. The audience yelled out their approval.

"Hmm, let me think." B tapped his chin in false concentration, looking up towards the ceiling. "Oh! How about…no." B smirked when the audience groaned in disappointment.

The BxHost part of the host was very pleased, but the BxL Yaoi part of the host soon took over. She stood up, outraged. "YOU…WILL…FUCKING KISS L…AND FUCKING LOVE IT!" The host roared, throwing a jar of **grape** jam at the smirking serial killer. Her rage didn't stop there, though. She picked up a random audience member by the name of Tana and launched the girl at B.

"FOR PENIS BEYOND~" The girl screamed, posing heroically and dramatically as she narrowly missed B (who had ducked just in time) and flipped behind the curtains of the stage.

B calmly stood up, letting the edge of the knife hidden up his sleeve show as he smiled sweetly at the host. "You're going to die, sweetie." He walked towards the host, grimacing slightly at the uncomfortably sticky jam coating him and squishing beneath his feet every time he moved. If it were strawberry jam, he'd have no problem, but _grape_ jam…

"Don't kill meeeee…." The host slowly backed away, her face completely drained of all color. She tripped but quickly got back up. "Jerry, save me!" She shrieked, running towards the cameraman.

"Never fear, fair maiden, Jerry Lewis the Third is on your side!" Jerry, in an uncharacteristic burst of strength, picked up the host in a very dramatic and heroic fashion (almost as dramatic and heroic as Tana's pose had been) and whisked her away to the dressing room in the back.

Beyond blinked before settling back down on the couch, throwing the knife up and then catching it. "Meh, I can wait." He said to himself, a bout of laziness having taken over him. "Perhaps I'll practice my laugh." He mused to himself, oblivious to the captivated audience hanging onto his every word as if B's words were that creepy rope over the lake at camps that you just simply do _not _want to let go of…But I digress. "Henh henh henh…" B tried out, scrutinizing his reflection in the polished-to-perfection knife in his hand. "No, I need something a bit more sinister. Hmm…Perhaps 'kyahahahahaha?'" His ponderings were soon interrupted by the sound of a door being slammed open loudly in the distance, and he looked up to see what all the commotion was. "Aw hell." Beyond muttered, standing up to get a closer look at the person/thing emerging from the shadows.

"Heehee, eat me~" The host giggled, waving her arms back and forth and doing some odd dance. She was dressed up as a literal jar of strawberry jam.

"Dammit, I can't hurt my precious jam…" B glared at the host, his fingers itching to stab the bitch, but the sight of the strawberry jam just wouldn't let him do it. "Well I need to kill _someone_." He finally said, his eyes scanning the room for a victim. His eyes settled upon some old, fat, balding man in the back, who was going to die from a heart attack the next day. "Looks like his time's just about up." B grinned, throwing the knife and nailing the man in the face. "This interview's time is just about up as well." B stomped on the camera, ignoring the faint 'la la la's~' coming from the still dancing host. He smiled, nodded his good bye to the audience, and then began his descent into hell.

Next Interviewee: Matt!

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><p><strong>AN Apologies for always taking so long to update, but hey, that's what story alerts are for. I hope you enjoyed this; please review! XD**


	7. Matt's Interview

**A/N I don't own Death Note or the Who The Fuck Is Matt? song by Tom Smith. XD**

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><p>A young man with brown hair and striking dark blue eyes stumbled out on stage, wobbling a bit but still managing not to fall. His eyes were glued to the screen of his PSP. He tore his gaze away from his beloved gaming device and looked to his right. "Hey, Mells, can ya pass me the…" His mouth hung open in surprise at the realization that his best friend was in fact, <em>not<em> to his right. "Dammit, I told him I didn't want to do the interview…" The young man (AKA Matt, in case you're not deep enough in the fandom yet to recognize the world's most loved minor character) muttered.

The host narrowed her eyes with suspicion at Matt. "Who the fuck are you?" The audience gasped in horror at the host's ignorance. Matt facepalmed. He hadn't felt like wearing his usual goggles and vest today so apparently the host didn't recognize him. All of a sudden, music started blasting from an unknown location.

_Who, who the fuck is Matt? _

_Who, who the fuck is Matt? _

_Who, who the fuck is Matt? _

_Who, who the fuck is Matt? _

Matt groaned. _Who the hell came up with this? _

_I got on the Death Note fandom boards,_

_And ran into rabid fangirl hordes,_

_Slashing every pairing that caught their eyes,_

_I kept seeing a name I didn't recognize._

And then the chorus repeated again. Matt had to admit that this song was pretty catchy, though he still wasn't sure if they were mocking him or what.

_Pretty-boy criminal hireling fellow,_

_He does dirty work for a guy named Mello,_

_He gets shot up by a million cops,_

_He's in the damn show, like, a minute, tops._

Matt sighed and went over to the couch to sit down. As an expert in couch potato-ology, standing up for long periods of time went against his principles. The chorus started back up and Matt went back to his game, just waiting for the damn thing to end already.

_It's a walk-on part, but look what it did,_

_He's in more fics than that Malfoy kid,_

_Teased and tortured, snuggled and swived,_

_Imagine what they'd write if the guy had survived._

One more chorus, and then the song was finally over. Matt breathed a sigh of relief. The sooner this interview was over with the better. He would have snuck away choruses ago, but he highly doubted that Mello would let him back into heaven without having completed the interview first. The instant Matt had said that he didn't want to go, Mello had insisted. Matt had refused, and apparently while Matt had been zoning out with his PSP, Mello had pushed him out of heaven. Mello's just annoying that way.

"So Matt, tell me…" The host began.

"Hm? What?" Matt perked up, his eyes glued to the screen again but now paying attention to his surroundings.

"…about your sex life with Mello." The host finished her sentence.

"Wha-" Matt blushed. "I have no idea what you're-"

"Who's uke and who's seme?" The host interrupted Matt.

"Um, I'm seme…" Matt gave in.

"Alright, you may leave now."

"That's all you wanted to ask me?" Matt cried in disbelief.

"Hmm…" The host appeared to be contemplating something for a moment. "Yes. Now shoo." She said, shooing Matt away.

"I can't believe I came all the way down here just to be asked that!" Matt yelled and stormed away, Who The Fuck Is Matt music playing again.

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><p><strong>AN I'm sorry, this chapter was very lame. Hopefully the next one with Mello's interview will be much better. I don't know how long it's gonna take me to update that one…. Please review! I'm sick and nothing's making any sense. Sorry for the horrible chapter! DXD Orz**


	8. Mello's Interview

**A/N This might be the last interview. If you have another Death Note character that you want to see interviewed along with questions to be asked or things to happen, just let me know. Please review! :)**

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><p>The host walked out on stage and was met with the loveliest woman she had ever seen. The woman looked exactly like Misa, except sexier, which is nearly impossible to be in the host's eyes. "We were gonna interview Mello today, but I'd definitely skip an interview for you any day." The host said, walking up to the breathtaking blond bombshell.<p>

The woman raised an eyebrow. "I'm right here, bitch." Mello (the 'woman') said in a frighteningly calm manner once he understood what the host was implying.

The host nodded sympathetically at Mello and exchanged a knowing look with Jerry. "Poor dear, you must be tired. Or you have a major disorder. Maybe both."

"Just get to the questions." Mello snapped, his grip on his beloved chocolate bar so tight that he almost snapped it in half.

"Right, right dear. Whatever you say, love." The host said 'soothingly,' taking a seat across from Mello and giving him a disgustingly sympathetic look before scanning through her list of questions. "Why do you swear so much?"

"What do you mean? I can be perfectly threatening without swearing, so fuck off." Mello glared.

"Uh huh." The host randomly pushed a random button that set off the laugh track, as none of the audience was finding any of this amusing so far. "Are you an abusive person?"

"No."

"Do you like white chocolate?"

"No."

"Are you a Satanist?"

"No."

"Is Misa Amane your long lost sister?"

"No."

"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? 'Cause baby, you're an angel."

"No-wait, what?" Mello sputtered. The host winked. "What the hell kind of a question is that?" Mello demanded.

"Don't think, just do." The host said, jumping Mello.

"Get off me!" Mello yelled, pulling out his gun and shooting off a warning shot into the ceiling.

The host suddenly stopped trying to make out with Mello. "Wait…You're a guy?" She exclaimed, throwing herself as far away from Mello as possible with a repulsed look on her face.

"Duh." Mello stuck out his tongue, licking at the end of his chocolate bar.

"B-but…That's disgusting!" The host cried. She ran to Jerry and threw herself into his arms. "Jerry, hold me. That's a man. No one that sexy could possibly be male…What is this world coming to?" She shuddered. "Just leave me. I need some time alone." The host put a hand to her forehead dramatically.

One of the audience members spoke up. "Some time alone? To do what? Masturbate to pictures of Misa-"

"Can it, Roy." The host hissed.

Mello groaned. "Matt was right, you're all just a bunch of loons. Come on Pedro, let's go." Mello stomped out of the room, gently cradling his bar of chocolate.

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><p><strong>That was odd. And short. Huzzah? xD<strong>


	9. Matsuda's Interview

**A/N Thanks for the review, Mrs. Kyouya Ootori! I hope you enjoy this chapter~ :D**

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><p>"Matsuda~! My little fluff ball of love and devotion! Come here, boy!" The host greeted Matsuda with open arms, but with a look more befitting a dog than a human being.<p>

"Um, hey!" Matsuda awkwardly returned the embrace, bowing to the audience before taking a seat.

"Matsu~ Would you mind getting me a cup of coffee?" The host asked Matsuda upon realizing that Jerry was taking a break at the moment.

"…" Matsuda stared at the host in stunned silence for a moment, as normally when you're being interviewed, your host generally doesn't ask _you _to serve _her. _But of course, not wanting to be rude, he decided to make that humiliating trip to the backroom to get the host her cup of coffee. "Er, here you go." He handed her the cup.

"Thank you." The host set down the cup of coffee as she beamed at Matsuda. "Why don't we turn this into a game? Every time you get me a cup of coffee I'll ask you a question. Alright? What's 2 + 2?"

Matsuda had barely sat back down before looking up at the host, startled. "W-what? 4, but what does that have to do with-"

"Very good, Matsuda! Everyone, let's give Matsuda a round of applause!" The host stood up and started clapping, while the audience followed suit. "Now, Matsuda, why don't you go get me another cup of coffee!" The host cheered.

Matsuda groaned. "I'm off duty, why don't you just interview me?"

"Fine…" The host crossed her arms and took back her seat as she flipped out the dreaded notebook of questions. "Let's talk about your supposed idiocy. I mean, how did you even become a police officer with _that _IQ?"

Matsuda and all of his fangirls glared at the insensitive host. "I have connections." He replied mysteriously.

"Right…Matsuda, do you agree with the fact that you're like the Neville Longbottom of Death Note?"

"Who's Neville Longbottom?" Matsuda queried.

"…Don't you watch or read Harry Potter?" The baffled host replied.

"Oh, um, not really…" Matsuda trailed off.

"Wow. I don't even- NEXT QUESTION!" The host quickly changed the subject. "Fuck, marry, kill: Light, L, or Ide?"

Matsuda's face turned bright red. "Well…I wouldn't want to kill anyone of course, but out of all the options…If I had no choice…I'd probably kill Ide. Poor guy, none of his romances turn out well. I guess I'd marry Light…I mean, we're just friends, but he's the nicest to me out of everyone! And I guess that leaves L for…Um…yeah."

The host cackled evilly. "Thank you for reminding me of why I started these interviews in the first place! All that delicious blackmail…" She went off into evil-host-land.

"Erm…You're welcome?" Matsuda squirmed on his chair uncomfortably.

"Say, Matsuda," The host stopped evilly laughing, "are you tired of all the times your name has been used in this interview?"

Matsuda paused in thought. "Well…No, not really. I mean, what else would you call me?" Matsuda chuckled to himself, but stopped when he realized not even his fangirls were fake laughing for him.

The host took a sophisticated sip of her coffee. "True, but I've noticed that we've been using your name excessively, that's all."

"Um, I'm gonna go now…" Matsuda said upon glancing down at his watch. "I don't want to disappoint the ladies at the sewing circle." He explained apologetically.

The host rolled her eyebrows. "Could you take your fangirls with you?"

"Why? There's only…," Matsuda started counting the Matsuda fangirls in the audience, "3." He concluded.

"Yeah, well, they annoy me." The host shrugged. "Bye Matsu, take care! Have fun sewing, or whatever!" She waved away Matsuda and his fangirls.

"Bye…"

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><p>…<strong>Yeah. o.o Reviews would be delightful. Even for this short piece of crap that I had absolutely no ideas or inspiration for. xD<strong>


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